My mother has made it so that the floors of our house are gleamingly safe to eat off of. Therefore, when a small piece of food accidently lands on the tile floor, or even the carpet, it’s perfectly normal to pop the dropped food item into one’s mouth as long as this occurs in the safely prescribed time limit.

The 5-second food rule does not apply at my boyfriend’s house. While I was in the kitchen preparing some garlic bread for dinner, a garlic clove bounced off the countertop and dropped to the floor. As I crouched to retrieve the clove (all within 5-seconds, mind you) I discovered that it had landed between two dead cockroaches and a ball of black hair. The first thing I wondered about was whether those two cockroaches were friends, or star-crossed lovers, and that they had somehow met their demise, together even in death (”You jump, I jump remember?!”). I’m such a romantic. The second thought I entertained was that maybe the clove would be alright if I just rinsed it a little and continued on with my work, after all, the ball of hair enshrouded the clove protectively, maybe it was alright. Regardless, my thought process took approximately 6 seconds which meant the clove was now biochemically hazardous and unfit for the eating.

I threw the clove away and gave my boyfriend an introductory lesson in the wonders of the broom. Next week: the swiffer.