Dear Elwood,

Today you turn 1 year old. I’ve had you every since you were 15 weeks old and you’ve grown up to be a real, lovable asshole.

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Dear Sir/Madam:

I understand that dogs can be considered part of the extended family. I was once a cat owner, so I relate to the level of affection that you have for your dog(s). Sometimes you’ll talk to them or put a tutu on them or place them in a doggie carriage because their tiny misbred bodies are too deformed to support their own weight. Also, no matter how much you love your extended family members, sometimes you’re not so inclinded to clean up after their feces especially if they take a dump somewhere in public. You’d rather just ignore it, assume it’ll fertilize the grass and continue on your leisurely walk.

However, when your adorable doggie takes a massive dump it doesn’t just return to Mother Earth, it ends up on my shoe. You see, it ends up on my shoe because you don’t have the decencey to walk at least 3 or 4 feet away from the community mailbox. Every afternoon when I go and get my mail I play the game Where Is the Dog Shit Hiding? and attempt to retrieve my correspondence without getting a smudge on my Converse knock-offs. Regardless, once I get back into my car and drive away I still smell the distinct odor of dog shit and even though I can’t see it, it persists.

I was just wondering, you know, if next time your little pomerarian decides he has the runs if you would direct him to the giant patch of field directly behind the mail box. Well, because there isn’t any pedestrian traffic in that patch of land and your dogs are free to fertilize all they want.

Love,

The Girl Who Scowls At You Every Chance She Gets