Luis’ over at Ginza Style celebrated his 23rd birthday this weekend. I planned a surprise retro Playboy-themed birthday party complete with raunchiness and mayhem.

At 3am, the downstairs neighbor decided to call the cops which delighted me to no end since, really, what’s a party without a little law enforcement?

I didn’t live in the apartment in which I had planned the party but as the hostess, I felt obligated to defend our right to party.

“Do you live here?” The cop interrupted me as I was explaining how RIDICULOUS it was to involve an officer for such a simple matter.

“No,” I started to say, but the officer didn’t let me get far.

“Be quiet and mind your own business. You don’t know if this man has service to go to in the morning.”¹

I decided I would be quiet because he had a gun and all I had was indignation.

1. I would also like to point out how his remark doesn’t make any god damn sense since minding my own business would include not knowing anything about a stranger’s morning routine. But he who holds the handcuffs can say whatever he damn well pleases.

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I watched the Super Bowl XXX on a 3D-High Definition Super Digital Megumultiplex Flatscreen TV and somehow, it was still boring (but in an awesomely 3D-High Definition Super Digital Megumultiplex Flatscreen way) .

On our way home from the Super Bowl Party Deluxe, my boyfriend and were stopped by a police car. The right tail light of my car was out since last week and I figured sooner or later a cop would stop me to let me know or ticket me. Still, I’ve never been pulled over and after seeing the movie Crash I’ve been terrified of being wrongly taken advantage of. I was shaking and tears were ready to squeeze out of my wide-as-saucer eyes even though reason should rule that I had nothing to be afraid of; I left all my pot at home. As my boyfriend parked the car in the nearest gas station he turned to me calmly and said, “You know, I think my license is suspended.” At this revelation, I think I peed a little. In the seconds it took for the police officer to approach the driver side window I had already envisioned my boyfriend being carted away in handcuffs for driving a vehicle with a suspended license while I sat there peeing and crying miles away from home.

My boyfriend rolled the window down and the cop asked, “Have you been drinking tonight?” This was a very easy question for my boyfriend to respond truthfully: no, we hadn’t.

Before I could let my boyfriend answer I started to babble, “Well, you see Officer, we don’t know where we are! We just came from a party and we don’t know the area!” At this point I am fully aware that I am hysterical for no reason and that, more importantly, the officer wasn’t even directing the question to me, the passenger. I noticed my boyfriend’s sidelong glance that longed to silence me but I was much too preoccupied with what jail would be like. Do they have a continental breakfast? Is a cavity search mandatory?

In my hyperventilating daze my boyfriend stepped out of the car, chatted with the cop, observed that all my tailights were out and escaped the situation without a shootout occurring or a ticket being issued.

Moral of the story: always fix your tail lights and at a time of crisis, never tell your girlfriend your license is suspended just because you forgot to take an online driver’s test.