I think it has something to do with impatient women in SUVs.

The boyfriend and I spent Memorial Day Weekend in Ft. Lauderdale at the Napoli Belmar Resort, a small, quaint beachside hotel with affordable nightly rates and a great location but unfortunately extremely uncomfortable beds. We spent our time feasting like kings, appreciating one of the few truly gorgeous beaches in Florida and enjoying various bars and clubs. On our third day, we decided to rent 50cc scooters and headed towards a dock north of Ft. Lauderdale. We chatted at a stop sign while waiting, according to the laws of the road, for the two cars ahead of us to move forward on their turn. Apparently, we weren’t moving fast enough for the woman in the SUV following us who startled us with an unnecessary honk because clearly she must have had an important appointment with, I don’t know, the beach.

I like to think of myself as a relatively mild-mannered, reasonable person. But, perhaps it was the locale or maybe it was the ocean air that prompted me to turn around and belt out the longest, loudest most obscene list of insults I could come up with.

“You want to fucking honk at us?” I shouted, “See, now we’re going to wait.”

I glanced at an imaginary watch on my wrist, “And we’re gonna wait. I can sit here all fucking day.”

“Feel free to go around us. Go AHEAD!” I gestured wildly around me.

In retrospect, I can see how this would be hilarious. Imagine, if you will, a 5 foot girl on a scooter wearing a helmet one size too big screaming obscenities and gesticulating like a loony. Hell, I’d laugh at me.

My boyfriend bought a gorgeous pearl white Vespa this weekend which has left me in a green fit of envy. At first, I took every opportunity to poke fun at what I thought was the most ridiclous purchase he had ever made, that is, until he filled his gas tank for 5 bucks while I shelled out a cool 30 for my tiny Nissan Sentra. Now I’m singing a different tune that goes a little something like this: I want one. Still, Orlando is the very last place one would want to drive a Vespa in. As Orlando continues to sprawl out in erratic and disorganized directions, its roads become increasingly dangerous every year. Road rage, speeding, cell phone use and general carelessness are turning Central Florida into one of the nation’s deadliest places to drive in. This isn’t exactly reassuring information when my boyfriend is driving around in a scooter while tired, overweight, red-faced soccer moms weave in between traffic in their excessively enormous SUVs (show me a stay-at-home parent who actually requires 4×4 off-road action in Florida’s sea level terrain and I will give you my left ovary).

Despite my crippling fear of losing a loved one to an automobile accident, I’m determined to buy a Vespa for its fuel efficiency and manuverability (I consider the condescending stares I’ll get from smug F150 douchbags a bonus!). In order to kick-start my purchase, I’m listing a few new and used items on ebay (one of which will include my Japanese Schoolgirl Outfit that I wore for Halloween). Mainly I want to list some items that have been hanging in my closet for some time and I’m pretty much tired of looking at them. I have really great taste in stuff, so do yourself a favor and check out my auctions you’ll be glad you did. In retrospect, I guess I shouldn’t have bought so much stationary….you can’t ride stationary around town. Bummer.